Hansoland

ATTENTION ALL RECRUITS
RE: CONFIRMATION OF LAUNCH DATE FOR VOLUNTEER TESTING

Hans Van Eeghen is a dude

I am pleased to announce that, following an extensive security audit of all departments within the Dharma Initiative, I am totally satisfied that DharmaWantsYou.com is now secure. As a result I am able to confirm a date for the commencement of our latest volunteer testing program.

Visit www.dharmawantsyou.com to confirm the launch date.

I have heard from many of you in recent weeks via email asking what will be assessed in the program and what the nature of our latest research is. I have found your enthusiasm and relentless curiosity extremely endearing. However, in the interests of maintaining the integrity of the testing process, I cannot be forthcoming on these enquiries.

Despite this, I would like to affirm to you all that I am extremely optimistic about these upcoming evaluations and believe that they will yield recruits of the highest caliber.

Good luck to all applicants.

Together we can guide the world to a better tomorrow.

Namaste,

Hans Van Eeghen
Head of Recruiting
The Dharma Initiative

Hansoland has acquired the exclusive rights to a photo of Dan Bronson, aka RuckusGuy, inside the dharmawantsyou.com Web server.

Dan BronsTron

Danny Boy, if they make you race in some weird motorcycle, be very careful on the turns.

i am on the inside

Great Randolph Scott! It appears RuckusGuy is stuck inside the dharmawantsyou.com Web server. In addition to the "hack" of said Web site chronicled in the video above. We have also received a singing telegram and one of those planes with the banner trailing behind it with a message on it from RuckusGuy to inform us of the fact that he is indeed "on the inside". While we are well pleased with the canned ham that accompanied the singing telegram (it was very delicious), we are deeply concerned that our dear friend RuckusGuy has shoehorned himself into a computer.

RuckusGuy, we are all here because we love you and we want the best for you. It hurts us to see you behaving so carelessly, staying out all night, jumping into strange computers. While it may be warm inside that Web server, it is only a superficial warmth that can't compare to the feeling you'll get when you're once again safe in the arms of your friends and family. So RuckusGuy, please just come out of the computer and come on home.

ATTENTION ALL RECRUITS
RE: SECURITY BREACH AT COMIC-CON 2008

May I have your attention please?

As many of you may be aware there have been a number of security breaches in recent days related to the nature of the Dharma Initiative's latest research.

This included the unauthorized release of sensitive video documentation during a sponsored panel discussion with the makers of the TV show "LOST" at Comic-Con 2008 in San Diego. Consequently, the person responsible for this breach, a promising recruit by the name of Dan Bronson, has been expelled from the volunteer program and had his Dharma membership permanently revoked. Furthermore, the Dharma Initiative has withdrawn their sponsorship from "LOST".

The Dharma Initiative must stress that the video material leaked at Comic-Con 2008 was viewed entirely out of context. Furthermore, the way in which the material was presented utterly distorted its significance and credibility as scientific data.

The Dharma Initiative is extremely disappointed with this outcome and has ordered a security audit of all departments. As part of this audit the DharmaWantsYou recruiting website will undergo a security upgrade in the next few days.

Upon completion of this upgrade a date will be announced for the official commencement of Volunteer Assessments.

All recruits are reminded that the unauthorized release of confidential information pertaining to the details of your activities within the Dharma Initiative will result in instant dismissal from the volunteer program.

Namaste.
Hans Van Eeghen
Head of Recruiting
The Dharma Initiative.

So, I thought it would be prudent at this juncture to introduce you, my beloved readers, to the main players in the Dharma Initiative Octagon Global Recruiting recruitment project. So without further Freddy Adu, here they are.

Number One: Hans Van Eeghen

First up is my main man, Hans Van Eeghen, also known as "The Eggstractor"

What are you gonna do when the eggstractor goes wild on you?

The things you need to now about Hans are: he's some kind of European, he suffers from painful anal fissures that complicate his bowel movements, and he's VERY high in cholesterol, so don't eat him more than a couple times a week.

Numero Dos: Honda Big RuckusGuy

What's the big ruckus?

Usually simply referred to as "RuckusGuy" this "Guy" is really just Rachel Blake with Rollie Fingers mustache.

What Rollie does in his free time is really none of my business

Last but not least: Secret Squirrel

How these two jackasses get anything done is beyond me

Secret Squirrel plays a key role in "The Project". However, the nature of this clandestine critter's involvement with the Dharma Initiative is not yet fully understood.

Alrighty, now that you're some kind of expert about "The Project", send Hans an e-mail with some tips about how he can soothe his aching bunghole.

Do you feel lucky Hans?

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?

This is the "bluetooth" "dharmawantsyou" "video" "that" "was"...oops, secret-squirrel-ly distributed at ComicCon as revealed by (Honda Big) RuckusGuy. And if I were to buy a motor scooter I'm sure the Honda Big Ruckus would be near the top of the short, short list of candidates.

He wants what he wants

I just received a new e-mail message from international man of mystery Hans Van Eeghen. Here is the text of the message:

THE DHARMA INITIATIVE WANTS YOU!

Recruiting Volunteers NOW.
Join the Dharma Initiative's latest groundbreaking research project.

Visit www.dharmawantsyou.com and complete an 'Eligibility Test'.
Our innovative research has brought together some
of the brightest minds on the planet.
And we'd like you to join us.

APPLY TODAY.
HELP GUIDE THE WORLD TO A BETTER TOMORROW.